On Bad Mom’s Detective Club

Boys,

There is this old Saturday Night Live sketch with Steve Martin sitting in front of a Christmas tree, drink in hand, and he talks about what he would wish for if he had “one wish this Christmas.” It starts innocently enough with him wishing for all the children of the world to join hands and sing for world peace, but then he considers a second and third wish, each one getting more and more selfish (revenge on his enemies, a few very adult things, etc). As he goes on, he keeps pushing the world peace wish further and further down the list. It’s one you should watch when you’re old enough.

Anyway, the other day your mom solved a crime.

Pop quiz, hot shot: what do these two things have in common?

The answer, of course, is that if your mom had one wish, it would be that she could know everything about everyone at all times. Because of this, we jokingly (?) say that she’s head of the neighborhood watch. Some people might call that nosey, and to them I’d say “how dare you?!?” If a chain is only as strong as its weakest link, then your mom is the electrical wire that tethers all those weak ass links together. I think the chain in this example is the safety of our neighborhood.

Your mom volunteers at your schools, but I don’t think she’s going to be first in line to head up the PTO. She’s great about signing you boys up for things (ahem, Cub Scouts), but sometimes prefers that I kind of take over from there. However, if there was a legitimate neighborhood watch, I can promise you that the first meeting would be at our house and your mom would have a vision board ready for all in attendance.

“You can see here I cut out some eyes and a camera, because we all need to stay vigilant, ladies! I also cut out this picture of a Ralph Lauren inspired study because it would be a really cute place to stake out the neighborhood from and because #goals.”

So your mom solved a crime. I think even she would admit that jut like Sir Paul, she had a little help from her friends. You might have read about the escapades of the Kinsale Bad Moms. Well, in recent times I think they’ve factioned off into subsets and don’t meet regularly in large group like they had in the past. However, this might be the lynchpin that bonds the Bad Mom’s back together.

So here’s what happened. On a Saturday, your mom and I catch wind that a friend in the neighborhood had his golf clubs stolen from in front of the clubhouse. Now, circumstances being what they were, clubs we left outside overnight so it wasn’t like someone had to break glass to steal them. That said, we find out that the night before the clubs were taken. However, there is video from a grainy camera that shows someone walking in front of the club at 3:45a, and another shot of the same person now holding golf clubs.

So there isn’t a lot to go on, but here is what we know.

• Fact 1: person in question was almost certainly male
• Fact 2: he was walking a dog off leash at 3:45a.
• Fact 3: he was headed south across the front of the clubhouse
• Fact 4: he was wearing a mesh-back ball cap and what looked like Hey Dude shoes
• Fact 5: he appeared to be fit, or at least not of a “bulky” build

That’s pretty much it. Not visible tattoos. No fingerprints. And with the video being what it was, there is no way in a court of law you could positively identify this person. But do you think that was going to stop your mom? Your mom has been waiting for something like this to happen for years — low-stakes blue collar crime where nobody’s life was in danger, but there was just enough at stake to matter? Sign that woman up!

First thing she does is get a group chat going with the two of us, the victim of the story, and his wife. I’m sure she was sussing out additional details or any known enemies. She also obtains the videos of the crime. From there, she selects one of her many Bad Mom factioned group chats and shares the video.

Not I’m interested in everything, but I’m also in a group chat with the victim and 11 other guys where the conversation is more to do about the victim’s shortcomings and the choices he made to get to this point. When one leaves food on the ground at their campsite, do they shoot the bear for checking things out and taking a sandwich? If you don’t want a dog to lick you, don’t cover yourself in peanut butter! You get the point. So I’m over here brainstorming other ways to give the victim shit, when from the other room, your mom yells, “got him!” It’s been five minutes.

Bad Mom #2 suggests the criminal looks like a certain person from the neighborhood who lives on such-n-such street south of the clubhouse. Bad Mom #3, who lives between the clubhouse and such-n-such street is able to find doorbell footage from around that same time of the criminal, as well as criminal dog (don’t think she’s not going to get hit with aiding and abetting a criminal), turning onto such-n-such street with clubs on his back.

From there, your mom cross-referenced Facebook to find a picture of the criminal with a very similar hat as what was being worn during the act. The group chat also confirmed criminal has been often seen around the club wearing….. Hey Dude shoes.

This information was presented to the victim, who presented it to the president of Kinsale. Police are then contacted and they go to criminal’s house to give him an ultimatum — return the clubs or face charges. (In my head, someone from the pound also presents a similar ultimatum to the dog — cannot confirm nor deny this happened). Criminal initially resists, but acknowledges he knows where they are and can get them in 24 hours.

mmmhmmm

Ultimately, the clubs were returned to the police station and the victim and his clubs have been reunited. I can confirm the victim is very happy to have his clubs back, but his happiness pales in comparison to the level of joy your mom feels for finally getting to put on her detective pants and solve a crime. We were walking Oakley yesterday, and someone shouted her out from a golf cart in a “congratulations for solving the crime” kind of way. I think your mom’s feet didn’t touch the ground the rest of the walk because she was just floating.

Here are some texts either from your mom, or about your mom, that I’ve pulled from the last 24 hours:

“Im a detective!”

“It’s actually called detective work.”

“We all believe we should have our own tv show for being crime stoppers.”

“I agree kelly is the hero here 😉”

Ultimately, the criminal is having his membership to Kinsale cancelled. I’m sure his family to not too thrilled about everything that has transpired in the past three days, and our hope is that they’re still able to use the pool or the club if they wanted to.

It’s basically a movie…

In a world where petty crimes lurk in the shadows of suburbia, one woman dares to unravel the mystery of the missing golf clubs. Armed with sharp wit and unshakable confidence, she declares herself a true detective, cracking the case with a trail of clues only she could see. But she’s not alone—her band of neighborhood sleuths, each convinced they’re helping to crack the case, join the fray. Together, they transform a quiet country club into a battleground of amateur deduction. Coming this summer: a tale of vigilance, victory, and just a hint of delusion.

So sleep well knowing that we’re always going to be safe with your mom around.

Love,

Dad