On Grandma ‘Nisa

Boys,

Yesterday, I got a phone call from Papa Rauch. He said that your Grandma ‘Nisa was very sick and that the doctors didn’t think she was going to live for much longer. You boys were at school and I went up to see her in the hospital. Right after I got there, the doctors said she had passed.

As sad as it was and as sad as it still is, one good thing that happened was that we all got to remember and talk about why we loved her so much. You’re both young now and won’t remember a lot about Grandma ‘Nisa when you’re grown up. But she was a very important person in my life and I want you to know a little about who she was and what she meant to me.

Grandma ‘Nisa and Papa Rauch were married for 27 years. That means I was 13 when they got married, and I probably met her when I was 11 or 12. I had a hard time connecting with Papa Rauch when I was young because there were some things I didn’t like about how he handled being a dad after he and my mom got divorced. I always loved him through it all, but I would be mad at him whenever I went out to visit him. There was a lot that I didn’t understand about what he was going though and how things had changed for him. Maybe I still don’t understand, but I do know that things are more complicated for grown ups than what you think you know when you’re young.

I don’t remember the day or the moment when I met Anissa. I remember moments and places around that time.

When I was in the hospital, a social worker asked Papa Rauch how he and Grandma ‘Nisa met. He was so sad, but when she asked him that question, through his tears, he smiled, looked at her and said “she cut my hair.”

When I got home that day, I picked Koen up from school. When I got you, we sat in my car for a second and I told you that I was at the hospital and that Grandma ‘Nisa died. You asked me if I saw her float out of her body and I told you that isn’t exactly what happened. I said that when we’re alive, we can’t see somebody’s soul float up to heaven.

But I think that moment when my dad said, “she cut my hair” and found a smile when he said that, it was probably her soul reminding him that it’s OK to smile.

That is what I think of when I think of Anissa. I think about being in a tough place at a tough age, and what I needed most was for someone to remind me that it’s OK to smile. It made me realize that my dad was also just someone trying to figure out what his life was supposed to be with such a massive change. She helped me accept my dad in a way I don’t know if I would have been able to without her in my life.

In our family, the Rauch family, women have always looked after the men and there has always been one person who seemed to take that responsibility on more than anyone else. They’d make sure the family got together, that everyone was invited to things, and that everyone had everything they needed. It was my grandma, it’s my cousin Karen, and it was Anissa.

When my grandma and grandpa died, Anissa took pictures of the sky because on both of those days, the sky was beautiful with blues and pinks and yellows. When Anissa died, the sky was grey. I kept looking out the window because I was expecting the clouds to break and for some ray of sunshine to come through. I mentioned that in the hospital. But when we left and on my drive home, the sky was still grey.

I think because of how quickly everything happened, Grandma ‘Nisa wasn’t quite ready to go. I think she still has a few more things to do and a few more people to watch over before heaven takes her in. I believe she could have gone the day she died, but she isn’t the type to leave things left undone. I believe she still has a few things left to do.

I don’t know when, but I will know when it happens.

I think I’ve always had my own very personal view of heaven. I think of heaven like it’s a moment we can experience while we’re alive. I think that when we die, constraints on time disappear, and we can exist in those moments forever. Maybe that is the soul? But whatever it is with Grandma ‘Nisa, I don’t think she’s decided on her moment just yet. And maybe that moment is unique to each person. But I think a time will come, when I look up and see a beautiful sky, and I’ll know she’s done everything she wanted to do. And I think everyone she’s staying around for will have their moment, and that we’ll all be OK.

And I should finish this by telling you both how much she loved you and how much joy you brought to her. I wish you would have known her as you got older and got to experience the person I knew and loved. But I think that you’ll have your moment with her too, however she decides she wants to share that you with both.

Love you boys,

Dad