On Being Your Dad

Boys,

It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you both and there has been a lot that’s happened since my last post. Reagan started kindergarten, Koen began preschool and had a birthday, and countless little moments have happened since I last wrote to you both.

With that said, this will not be a recap post. Rather, I’d like to spend time talking to you both about what it means to me to be your dad. What I’m about to write isn’t easy because to explain what it means to me to be your dad, you have to understand my relationship with my dads. Just saying that is hard because I constantly worry about how my dad would feel reading that last sentence. I also worry about how my step-dad, who I consider to be very much a dad to me in terms of his presence in my life, feels because I have a hard time expressing appreciation or love toward him.

To me, writing means being true to who you are and authentic to the voice that narrates the words I put in these posts. So with that, I feel the need to explain the “goods” and “bads” about the relationships with my dads so you can better understand how I feel towards you both and what it means to me to be in your lives.

My dad and mom split up when I was about 9yo. We moved to Florida and moved in with Dave, my soon-to-be stepdad, after a year or two of my parents’ separation. In those few years before the move, I remember my dad living in our condo basement for a brief time, and bopping around some short-term apartments pretty frequently. Once we moved, my dad followed us down to stay close to my brother and I, but eventually moved back to Ohio to find more steady work.

When he moved back, he traveled around the country and around the world briefly, and this hurt my feelings a lot. Now that I’m older, I have some perspective about this time and feel differently about it now than I did back then, but I was really hurt at how quickly he left, and how empty those postcards from Utah or the Badlands felt when they’d arrive for Jordan and me. Dave had the impossible task of being the father-figure at this time, but also doing so to two older boys who were in a new state and whose lives changed pretty drastically in a short amount of time.

I don’t think I ever felt negatively toward Dave because he “wasn’t my dad,” I think I understood deep down that he was trying his best, but he was in medical school and was never the emotional or compassionate man that I probably needed most at that time. As he was finding his feet, I was figuring out puberty and what mattered most to me in my life on my own. My mom did a great job and made sure we were loved, had everything (and more) that we needed, and were safe, but as I became a teenager, I felt bitter and angry toward both my dads for different reasons — one wasn’t there and the other didn’t know how to be present when he was there.

As you get older, perspective changes. I began to see my dads less as “father figures” and more as human beings. Of course they had their flaws, but neither of them had a playbook for how they were supposed to be and act toward Jordan and I. Additionally, they had their own lives to figure out. I think I was selfish in figuring out how they weren’t giving me what I needed, when I never considered what they were going through — divorce, remarriages, new kids, new careers and lives, moving multiple times in a short amount of time — these things are the most stressful things a person can go through aside from death in the family, and I expected to be the top priority at all times.

But the biggest thing I took away from my relationships with my dads is that I wanted to be the absolute best dad I could be to my kids. I think a lot of people get married with the best intentions, and I don’t think a 50% divorce rate means that 50% of the people had doubts before they said “I do.” But I think when I married your mom, I knew in my core that it was going to be forever and 10 years later, I still believe that to be the case. This is important because for me to be the best dad I can be, I need help from your mom. She can do things that I am not very good at when it comes to parenting, and when I’m able to lean on her for those things, it frees me up to do what I’m best at as a dad.

Right now you boys are five (almost six) and three. You’re still at the age that, when I was five and three, my parents were still together. I remember the things that meant the most to me were just spending time with my dad, wrestling with him in the living room, throwing the baseball with him in the yard, and watching him play church league softball and basketball in our driveway against some other dads or older boys in the neighborhood. I remember he’d play softball in Pickerington, and afterward he’d take Jordan and I to a place called “Chances ‘R’ bar.” They had a pinball machine and while he’d have a drink with his team, we’d drink Coke and play pinball for a bit. So, I think to be the best dad I can be for where you guys are, the best thing I can do is to be present, be silly, make you both laugh, and try my best to enjoy the things that you do — even if it’s the same car wash video on repeat or Grizzy for the 800th time.

Eventually, I want to be the dad who teaches you things. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the dad who sits you both down and his really smart, insightful and meaningful things to pass on to you or know exactly the right thing to say in the moments you need to hear them most. I hope that I am, but if not, I promise to be present and invested on anything you’re going through. I hope that I’m the kind of dad you want to come to when you have questions and the kind of dad you want to share all of your ups and downs with.

There are some things I struggle with as a dad. I struggle with guilt and I worry about not being able to put into action the things that I ask from you both. Your mom has incredible drive and incredible vision and I want that in my life, even when I have a hard time taking action when it’s required. I know that it isn’t fair to ask something of you that, deep down, I know I’m not delivering on myself. But I am trying to make the changes needed to be that person. I’ve learned that nothing good happens or changes overnight, and if there is a life you want or a change to the person you are, you have to get up and do the things necessary to achieve those things. That is what I am working on and what I hope to show you as you boys both grow.

Its funny how your relationships with your parents change as you get older. The most important thing that my parents gave me when I was young was love — they didn’t always know how to give me the love that I thought I needed at that time, but I see now how much work and effort went in to raising your uncle Jordan and I. I also have a newfound appreciation for who and what a dad could be after I met your mom’s dad. In him, I see that wisdom and joy can go hand in hand, and his relationship with his kids is ultimately the closest thing I want with you boys when I’m older.

Time to wrap up. What I want for you two most is for you to be brave in all you do, be honest, kind, and understanding to those you care most about, and that you always share with me the best and worst parts (and everything in between) of your journey through life.

I love you both so much.

Dad