On Firm Parenting and Your Moral Compass

Boys,

I think being a kid is probably tougher than most adults would acknowledge — its easy for us to do the right thing (most of the time) and know the difference between good and bad. We hold you to the standard of who you are at your best, and forget sometimes to give you grace when you’re not. Sometimes, especially with you, Reagan, I forget that you’re only six because you’re so smart. Koen, you’re smart too, so I can only imagine I’ll put the same, occasionally unfair standards on you too when you’re a bit older.

Now, just because I can sit here and say that I think things can be unfair for you boys at times doesn’t mean that I can look the other way every time you do something wrong. I think being an adult is probably tougher than most kids would understand, too. It’s hard to understand the pressure that comes along with being an adult and a parent. It’s hard to understand that adults are making decisions constantly, about all the things (work, family, themselves, friends, kids, future, money….the list doesn’t stop some days). And we make these decisions on the fly, a lot of times without any time to think or consider other options.

Recently, you, Reagan, did something that I didn’t like. You were at your friends house playing while your mom and I were downstairs. I think you are a very curious person, it probably comes with the territory of being a smart person, and a lot of times the things you do when you play reflect that. Whether it’s boredom, curiosity, or something else entirely, your play took things to a place where toys were broken and part of the wall was damaged. There were a few other things too that I didn’t like when I found out what was going on, but we’ll just focus on those things for now.

This is the part of parenting that I don’t like — I’ll do it because its something all parents learn how to do (albeit some are much better than others and many are much better than me). There is a fine line between just yelling blindly at a kid who does something wrong because 1. the adult is frustrated and embarrassed and 2. the adult wants the kid to understand the weight of what they did. But also, at least usually, the adult wants the kid to learn and understand why what they did was wrong and have the, frankly, confidence to do right the next time they’re in that situation.

I’ve been using the term “moral compass” with you a lot these last few days, Reagan, while we work through this situation. I think it’s a difficult concept to understand for a six-year-old, but just like my mom did with me sometimes, I put an unfair amount of expectations on you because I know that you’re smart and because I want you to be the best version of who you are. Your moral compass is what steers you through life — it stays with you until you’re an adult, and it guides all of those daily decisions that you’ll one day have to make when you have a family.

Your moral compass should tell you when you’re doing something wrong. Sometimes feels off. You, Reagan, make a face when you do something wrong where you hold your breath, ou raise your eyebrows, and you clinch your teeth together. That is your moral compass’ biggest siren telling you “SOMETHING IS WRONG, REAGAN.” It’s self-preserving. At your age, your moral compass wants to keep you out of trouble, so when it goes off like that, you will either quickly apologize (usually four or five times in rapid succession) or deflect blame elsewhere. This decision is your brain grappling with right vs wrong, fight vs flight, and sometimes, good vs. bad. But the thing is, your moral compass has multiple sirens, and you’re getting to an age where you should be able to pick up on when one of the softer ones is going off.

My job as your dad is to get you to understand your moral compass, and help you learn how to listen for it and use it. Unfortunately, the best way I know how to teach you this is through firm parenting; which for me is the absolute worst. But, because I know how important these moments and situations are, it’s something I will do. Reagan, we’re having you write a letter to our friends apologizing for what you did. Doing the work had you in tears because Deb also had you writing something 30x as a parallel punishment — but it’s important that you write this letter, deliver it, and own your mistakes. I hate seeing you cry and my instincts are to do whatever I can to make you happy and feel safe and cared for, but I know that this is just that side of parenting and I need to be firm in this.

I think we’ll have a lifetime of teachable moments, and I hope the majority can be done with smiles on our faces and shared joy between us. You’re at an age now where you’re going to be exploring your boundaries, so I know this won’t be the last time this type of situation will come up. I kind of think of this as if we’re working together — you discovering yourself and what is right vs. wrong, and me discovering how to be the best parent, role model, and morality leader that I can be for you boys.

These moments are hard, but these moments will pass. I just hope that we both learn how to be better versions of ourselves for ourselves, but for each other too.

Love you both.

Dad