On Parenting is Tough

Boys,

I’m sure every parent feels like their kids are unusually difficult for whatever reason. Somewhere in the world, there is probably the most polite and well-behaved child who wakes up before dawn to till the fields and finishes the day with prayer, meditation, reflection, journaling, and manifesting all the good in the world to shine on everyone other than themselves. And I bet that child’s parent will still feel like they caught a side eye and a remark about how the cow wasn’t cooperating during the milking.

Sidenote: During the Milking – terrible band name.

The point is also the title: Parenting is Tough.

Reagan, your superpower is intelligence, curiosity, a better-than-most willingness to eat different foods, and you’ve always been a good sleeper. Your kryptonite is toughness, an overly irrational quickness to heightened emotions, and you just don’t like doing things that don’t come easily or quickly.

Koen, your superpower is great hair and eyelashes. Your kryptonite is the rest of the things.

The trouble is that parents have to figure out how to encourage your strengths, teach you on the fly how to manage your weaknesses, and do so while doing all the things necessary to give you a life of opportunity. I remember thinking all I needed from my parents were for them to listen to me, try to understand me, and give me space to grow. I wish it were that simple now that I see things from a parenting point of view.

I hope you read this when you’re still in the house. I hope you don’t think that times are so different now than what they were when me and your mom were growing up. Sure that is partially true, but I think all parents deal with universal issues as well as generational ones. As your mom likes to say — both things can be true.

Sure my parents didn’t have to worry about me on social media or which of the 148 vaccinations are necessary and which ones aren’t. But they did have to figure out how to raise us to be smart, kind, independent, hopefully successful, and productive people when they get to the real world.

I hear the phrase, “my job isn’t to be your friend, it’s to be your parent.” That is a hard thing for me to accept because I want so badly to be friends with you AND to help guide you and teach you those things that are so important. I don’t know if that is possible or not. I think a lot of people become better friends with their parents when they get older (and probably when they start to see things from an adult’s perspective).

Not all days are tough. Today was. You both got up around 7a. When mom woke you up, Reagan, she told you that before you left for school, you had to pick up the playroom because it was a little messy. You’re immediate reaction was big tears; you didn’t make any of the mess and no one was going to help you. Koen, you flat out refused to help and didn’t give any justification for why you didn’t need to do anything. You then doubled down by telling your mom she was a “bad bad mom” (which used to break our hearts, but since that is generally tone-setter you send up to the plate first, it doesn’t cut as deep as it used to).

So be nice to your parents. We do the best we can with what information we have. We’re people too, and we’re not always right or rational. But we try to be fair and everything we do, we do to keep you safe, teach you something, or make your day/life a little bit better. And, I have to imagine you’ll do the same when you boys become dads.

Love you both,

Dad

PS – Koen, those weren’t really your superpowers. You’re also very funny, very kind when you want to be, passionate when you really care about something, and you think through things in a way that is well beyond your age.