On Faith, God, and Death

Boys,

As I write this, there is a girl in our neighborhood named Katelyn who has a really nasty disease called Neuroblastoma. Her parents have been very open about Katelyn’s journey and their family’s journey in dealing with this. They’ve created a Facebook group where they let everyone know what is going on with Katelyn. They’ve celebrated the small victories along the way, and have been very transparent when things get bad.

Their last post was heartbreaking and it seems like things are as bad as they’ve ever been. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for Katelyn, her sister, and her parents. And I want to be very careful about what I want to say because I have no idea how I’d feel if you boys were going through something like Katelyn. I am very lucky to not have to know that pain and I also know my perspective is that of a parent who has two healthy boys.

I’ve never been religious. When I was young, I was raised catholic and I kind of thought of the figures in the bible as superheros who could do amazing things. Your grandma would tell me things like “say a prayer to St. Anthony and he’ll help you find that thing you lost.” In my brain, this St. Anthony could magically find anything and that was his super power. Other saints would have other powers — St. Jude would heal someone who was sick and St. Cajetan would give someone luck.

As I grew up, I fell out of my faith because I didn’t like how “organized” church was — I didn’t think saying the same thing as 200 other people at the same time would let me connect with God. I didn’t understand how singing the same song or repeating the same actions was better than just taking a quiet moment and having an internal prayer where I could talk to God in a way that meant something to me. I don’t know if that is right or wrong, but it’s what I felt for a very long time.

Then, when I was in my 20s, I read a book called Anna Karenina. In the book, there was a character named Levin who struggled with his faith throughout the book. He is searching for the meaning of life, and ultimately finds that being good and kind were ultimately his way of serving God and not himself, and thus he finds his faith. The whole arc was meaningful to me and resonated with my own views on God and faith, but there was one passage that really spoke to me. Levin was a farmer and he has this monolog about how the trees and the wind and the animals all live in harmony with one another, and how that unity in all things is more of what God is than some human-like figure sitting on a throne in the sky.

Koen, you’re now in your second year at New Hope preschool. Your mom and I don’t really talk a lot about God or religion at home, but your teachers do and you’re asking questions and telling us about God and how he creates all things. I love that and I always want to answer questions from a faith-based place. I want to reaffirm what you’re learning in school because even if I haven’t been to church in a very long time, I believe in God and it’s something I want you and your brother to believe in as well. You might have your own ideas on who God is, what God is, and how it figures into your life. I’ll encourage you along the way, but I hope you find it in your own way, whatever that means to you, in the same way that I did. Maybe you’ll read something that resonates, or maybe you’ll find a more literal path through the teachings in your school or in church if that is something you want.

But you’ve also been asking a lot of questions about death. You’re very scared of death and it makes you tear up. You tell me how you don’t want to die and I try to reassure you that it isn’t something you have to worry about. When I tell you that, I do think of Katelyn. I think of how I would answer you differently if you had cancer. And I don’t know how I would have that conversation with you.

I don’t know if I believe that everything happens for a reason. I think christianity would tell you that and would tell you that God had a reason as to why someone dies; how the reason usually isn’t obvious but through belief and faith, it will be revealed when the time is right.

I think death is something that happens to make us appreciate life. Without death, life wouldn’t matter as much as it does. Death isn’t fair; it’s not supposed to be. Life isn’t fair, either. Death makes us feel things more than we can in life — pain, anger, sadness. But we feel these things because of love. When someone dies, we feel all these negative emotions so intensely because of the love we have for those who die.

I believe in God in the way Levin sees the world — I don’t think of God as a decision-maker choosing to take away a child for some unknown reason. I believe that God is the air we breath, the love we feel for each other, the challenges we face every day, and the heartbreak that comes with being human. God is the strength we need when things couldn’t get any darker, and the light that breaks above the horizon on a new day.

Anyway, I’m curious to see you two grow up and I want to understand how you feel about faith, God, and everything in between. And I hope that you show empathy, grace, and love for those who go through things that you don’t understand.

No matter what, I love you boys so much.

Dad