On Our Adam Sandler Phase

Boys,

Adam and I

When I was about eight or nine, we listened to CDs. Typically, you’d go into a record store or a big box electronics store, browse through the rows and stacks of CDs until you found one you wanted to buy. You’d then pay $15, go home, and spend about ten minutes trying to get the cellophane wrapper off of it. Then, you’ld put it into your living room media center CD deck and, along with anyone else in the house at the time, listen to your new CD.

However, there was also this thing you got in the mail that allowed you to fill out an order form and get 10 CDs sent to you for $.01. I don’t know how the subscription model worked, but I remember your grandpa telling me, in so many words, that since I was a kid, they couldn’t hold me to any sort of contract beyond that initial purchase.

So I put a penny in an envelope, filled out a few things, and checked the boxes next two 10 CDs. Now for context, I was in kind of a transition phase in terms of my music tastes. I used to love Michael Jackson, Madonna, and whatever my dad listened to on 99.7 The Blitz. But that was only because that is what my parents listened to and I was ready to find my own thing. So, when I saw the provocative title, “What the Hell Happened to Me” by Adam Sandler, I checked the box and didn’t think much more about it. After all, I hardly knew 10 bands I liked, so it wasn’t like I could buy 10 Bush albums all at once.

Probably six months or so later, my CDs arrived. By now, I had access to my own CD player and could listen to music without the rest of the house knew what I was listening to. Had I still been using the family audio equipment, I don’t think I would have gotten a lot of plays with my newfound fascination with Nine Inch Nails, Marilyn Manson, Korn, and Soundgarden. Nor would I with my Adam Sandler CD. All sorts of inappropriate on that CD, but I thought it was the funniest thing ever and I’m trying to figure out now, as I write this, when I can listen to it again front-to-back because it is hilarious and something I still quote to this day — and I’m pretty sure no one but me gets the references. There is one about a talking goat talking to some guys on the way to a reggae festival that still cracks me up just thinking about it.

Adam Sandler Movies

If I had to name the five funniest movies I’ve ever seen, at least four of them would either have Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Jim Carey, or Will Farrell in it and they would have been made somewhere between 1995 and 2004. I would have been 10-19 during those years and it’s just when there was nothing better than watching one of those four actors just sell the shit out of whatever role they were playing.

When I was your age, I remember watching the scene in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation where Chevy Chase is rocketing down a hill on a greased up sled and almost peeing my pants it was so funny.

Now, do I think that watching early Sandler or Jim Carey movies would be appropriate for you two when you’re seven and four years old? Probably not. Did that stop me from encouraging you to pivot away from Netflix Kids one afternoon and seeing if you wanted to watch a golf movie called, “Happy Gilmore?” Not it did not.

Now, for people my age, and specifically men my age, Happy Gilmore is a bonafide classic. I can recite nearly every line in the movie and I’m willing to let it slide that when Shooter McGavin took over his Happy Place and Happy took about 4 angry hack-and-misses at the ball before finally plopping one in the lake, all the while only losing one stroke on the leaderboard. If we’re being honest, Shooter should have had a four shot lead going into 18, but that isn’t the point.

I knew there was some crude humor, and I knew I’d be getting a look from your mom when Ben Stiller tells grandma that she can trouble him for a warm glass of “shut the hell up.” It was the same look I got when Virginia Venit is holding two pitchers of beer in her lingerie during the happy place scenes and also the same look I got when Bob Barker gets headbutted and told, “the price is wrong…you know the rest.” There’s also “you’re gonna die, clown,” and a suggestive conversation about what Shooter McGavin eats for breakfast. If you know you know.

Fortunately for me, and possibly unfortunately for your teachers next year, you both loved the movie. Reagan, you like that it is about golf and Koen, I think you like the fact that Reagan and I are laughing our way through it, and I think you know you’re watching something that maybe you shouldn’t be.

Sorry mom.

But after the second run through on Happy, I throw out another Adam Sandler classic — Billy Madison. First of all, Reagan, you couldn’t comprehend the fact that Billy Madison wasn’t Happy Gilmore.

“That’s Happy Gilmore!”

“No. It’s Adam Sandler. He’s the actor who played Happy Gilmore, but in this movie, he plays Billy Madison.”

“No. Dad. That is Happy Gilmore.”

“I know buddy, but…”

Now to be fair to your mother and he dislike for these GOATed actors, it is basically the same character.

Billy Madison, for those who might not remember, is a little more crude than Happy Gilmore. The best example I can think of is where he’s making out with the picture of Veronica Vaughn (“who is one hot piece of ace” — Chris Farley) and while he’s licking the picture, he’s air-fondling a certain part of her. Funny for me — not great for a four year old. There is also heavy alcohol use, more poop and pee jokes (which is right up Koen’s current alley), and lots of sexually-charged humor. Be all that as it may, you two ate it up.

The Path Ahead

So we got Sandler down. I tried to put on The Waterboy, but it didn’t land the same way that the other two Sandler movies did and, honestly, he peaked with those first three movies. I think he’s done some great comedy since then, and honestly some great drama as well, but for what I think we’re going for, it’s time we pivot away from Sandler and get into some other heavy hitters. Here’s my plan:

• Jim Carey (visual humor and probably most child-friendly)
  • Ace Ventura I and II
• Chris Farley (physical comedy, not too R-rated)
  • Tommy Boy
  • Black Sheep
  • Beverly Hills Ninja
• Mike Myers
  • Austin Powers movies
• Mel Brooks (mostly before my time, but classic comedy nonetheless)
  • Spaceballs
  • Blazing Sadles
  • Robinhood: Men in Tights

After all that, we can get into Will Farrell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, and some other more adult-minded comedy actors. Maybe dabble in a little Bill Murray and Chevy Chase? I don’t know depends on if we have the time.

I guess it all comes down to parenting. My mom let me have a lot of freedom when I was growing up and I got to watch R-rated movies young and listen to the kind of music I did when I was young. I feel like now, with you two, there is just going to be a lot of freedom that I had that you won’t ever know because the world is a different place. So, to me, if I can give you a little bit of freedom to watch some things that might be a little inappropriate, as long as you’re saying to your teachers, “so hot. Want to touch the heinie,” then I think we’re good.

Honestly, whatever it takes not to have to watch another episode of Grizzy…

Love you boys,

Dad