Boys,
I read something today that kind of stopped me in my tracks. It was written by a guy named Derek Thompson and it was called “On Being a Dad.” I probably especially liked it because he named his post the same way I name all of mine with “On” up front. But that’s not the point.
He ended the post with the thing that stuck with me. For context, he talked about how his parents died before he met his wife, and her parents died before she met Derek. He said, “My wife, who will never know me as a son, will always know me as a father. And I, who will never know my wife as a daughter, will always know her as a mom. There is the third reason to become a parent: It gives the people you love another way to know you.”
For added context, the first two reasons he gives for why people should become parents are one, you fall in love with the evolving person, which is like falling in love with a stranger everyday. The second reason is that he compares life to being stuck in this amusement park where all the rides are these pivotal moments people have like falling in love, getting married, etc. He says having children is like when a new ride gets built, and he says what is the point of being stuck in this amusement park and not riding all the rides?
I don’t know how much I resonate with those first two reasons, but the third felt different. And part of it feels selfish — kind of like one motivation for becoming a parents is so that the person you marry, or the person you have a child with, will get to know you in a different way.
Let me come at this from another angle. When your mom and I met, I wanted to see her all the time. I stopped hanging out with my friends as much as I’d used to because I just wanted to spend time with her (and she with me). We liked each other so much we moved in together. We still liked each other so much that we decided to get married. From there, you might guess, we still liked each other so much that we wanted to start a family.
Up until that point, there weren’t a lot of changes. We lived in different apartments, condos, and houses. We got a dog, a shared bank account, and we went on some cool vacations. We put rings on each other’s fingers. We were more comfortable with each other and with ourselves around each other, but we were basically the same 20-somethings in slightly older bodies.
But then you two came. And when you came, I saw your mom as somebody else. I saw what her body went through to bring you two into this world. I saw her pumping at all hours of the day and night. I saw her come into the room when you’d been crying for who knows how long, and know exactly what was the matter and how to fix it. She saw me pour all my love into you two. She saw me look at you in a way I’d never looked at anyone else in the world before. She saw me bouncing on a ball at 3am, trying to sush you back to sleep so that we might get another hour ourselves.
Sometimes, I still see your mom the way I did before you two were born. I look at pictures of us when we were young and super-fit and I think your mom looks every bit as beautiful now as she did then. But I also see your mom look at a problem you’re having and still know exactly how to fix it. She knows the name of every medicine in the cabinet and what to give you when you’re sick. She knows where you need to be and when you need to be there. She knows that in six months there will be a camp you’ll want to be at and that in order for that to happen, you need to be signed up for it tomorrow.
Your mom gave you life when you were born and continues to give you the best life today. Before you two were born, she saw a life when we lived on a golf course and you two could run into the clubhouse, order a milkshake, and ride your bikes over to the pool. She sold me on that life and it’s coming true.
The point is, you two give your mom and me so many more reasons to love one another. I’ve seen your mom as a daughter, as a wife, and as a mother. I’m very lucky to be able to say that.
Lets go back to the first two reasons why Derek Thompson said it’s so great becoming a father: that you get to fall in love with this evolving person everyday and that life is an amusement park where you get to experience all the rides.
I think a lot about the kids you were when you were younger. We have screens in our kitchen that rotate old pictures of our family, and I love seeing the ones when you two were younger. I love seeing how different you looked then vs. now and I imagine what you’ll look like when you’re older. I would never have thought that you (Reagan) would grow up to love fishing of all things, and I never would have imagined that you (Koen) would grow up to love pop-punk music and want to jam out with me in the basement. You’re both so different than you used to be and I love that I get to see and meet and fall in love with each new version of you as you boys grow up.
Then there’s the amusement park analogy… when your mom and I got together, we both said we weren’t sure if we wanted to have kids or not. There is this term called “DINK’s,” which stands for “double income, no kids.” We saw a version of our lives where we could have all this money, travel, golf all over the world… it felt like it could be a really exciting way to spend our life.
It could have been a really fun and exciting amusement park kind of life if it were just your mom and I. But we both would always have wondered if we made the right decision or not. There would have always been that one ride at the roller coaster we weren’t allowed to ride, and we would have had to wonder if it was as exciting as everyone riding it said it was. We’d already ridden all the rides in our park, and we decided we wanted to experience everything.
If you know your mom, it’s hard to imagine a life where she missed out on something — FOMO is real with that one! But it’s funny. As soon as we got on that ride, we both knew it was 100% the right thing to do. And I bet you could ask any parent no matter how easy or hard parenthood was for them, whether sickness or loss, joy or pain, they’ll all tell you that it was the right thing.
My world is a better place because I get to be your dad. I think that sums up all three of the points Derek Thompson made when he wrote his article.
So anyway, whatever you do from here on out is great by me. I hope that you both live the most exciting lives and get to make all the exciting choices I got to that led me to where I am today. I don’t know if every decision I ever made was correct, but the one I got to make that led me to you was the best decision for me and your mom.
When I tell you I love you, I say that with my whole heart.
Love,
Dad
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