Boys,
Today, I was sitting at work and I open Facebook and right there on the first post I see is this…
First of all, “sweet and lost” are not two ways I’d describe her. The post should have read, “stubborn, moody dog considering her freedom on Indian Springs Dr…”
I text your mom and then I scroll down one post to see this…
Oh great. Well, joke’s on you because she won’t drink water if it’s clean and in, oh I don’t know, a dog bowl… rather, if the water is stagnating in the little trench between the yard and mulch bed and just full of bacteria and disease and will prevent her from going to the bathroom like a normal dog in normal dog bathroom places, then you might have a chance at getting her to drink.
Here is your dog in the mornings. Here is her routine…
7:00a – hear man-servant unlock backdoor
7:01a – roll off of his side of the bed that I claimed once he got into shower; ensure sheets are wet by slurping my feet or generally nibbling on bed while woman-servant sleeps
7:03a – present self at top of stairs, survey whether or not anything needs barked at, and proceed to the back door
7:05a – breach back door and look for anything out of the ordinary (e.g. – sprinklers on, dew on grass, birds not in designated places, etc). Walk to edge of patio, promptly return back inside.
7:10a – side-eye man servant until he feeds me food. Should small men servants be eating at this time, shark them to see if any food is anywhere within mouth’s reach for tactical snatch. Otherwise, proceed to food bowl, move vitamins to floor, and proceed with morning meal
7:20a – check to see what man and woman servants are doing. If occupied, move to backdoor and look pathetically at them to signify that I again need to survey yard.
7:25a – proceed into yard, but quickly move to muchbed to soak feet in mulch mud. Also be sure to check flower pots for any excess pot water to drink. **Important** – stay in mulch as much as possible. The grass is lava so only consider it sparingly. Move back to back door despite man servants protests to “go potty” — we will not be told what or when or where to do that and will decide on our own time. Move back inside and track mud-paw-tracks across main floor on onto bottom steps. See below.
7:28a – head to office or front window and yell at the first thing I see. Continue barking if another dog is walking, truck is driving, sprinkler is sprinkling, wind is blowing, or if anything happens to be on the front porch. Assume the worst and alert the men servants that imminent death is near.
7:30a – go back to back window and high five the glass loud enough to alert the servants. Wait for the grumpy man servant to tell me he isn’t going to let me out, then proceed to paw the door until woman servant yells at man servant to let me out.
7:32a – once door opens, charge out like the world is on fire and bark at the trees. If live animal present, chase said animal through the invisible buzz fence — always let adrenaline take you where you need to go. Remember, you can’t spell electric fence without “elect,” as in I’m electing to go wherever I want to go whenever I want to go there.
7:35a – allow the pee and/or poop to come out. Trot inside like a show pony and expect servants to celebrate my accomplishments and shower me in treats.
7:37a – return to office to bark at any movement through the window and plot my next escape.
That’s pretty much how all of her days start. Now, I’m pretty sure your dog sees me as a threat because I don’t mind dropping my voice and yelling at her. I also can beat her in a fight and I also know how to swat her butt in a way that isn’t abusive, but lets her know there is some meaning behind the tap. Because of this, she gives me a half-ounce of respect in that she isn’t going to run away while I’m watching her. The cool thing about that, however, is that if I want to ensure she isn’t going to barrel through the electric fence, I need to be out there watching her from the time she goes out until the time she comes back, which is nice.
Long story short, boys, is that your dog is a moody teenager. If the grass is wet, she won’t touch it (but she’ll drink muddy puddle water). If anything is out of place in the house, she’s going to bark at it. If she thinks someone is walking on the sidewalk, even if she’s asleep in my room, she’ll bark herself awake and yell at the direction of the front of the house. If she gets sick from drinking puddle water, well she’s just going to get sick wherever she pleases and the man servants will clean it up for her.
And if she feels the need to go outside, check her six to see if I’m watching, and decide it’s her day to go out and explore the neighborhood, well by golly then that is what she’s going to do. I’m sure she saw someone walking and decided to go out and investigate. Then lose interest and just say, “well I’m here, I might as well just wonder wherever the wind takes me.”
Somedays I’m just over your dog, which are usually the days that your mom shows me some Great Pyrenees puppy that needs adopted. “Not a chance,” I think. “However, showing Oakley that she’s very replaceable might get her to grow out of this moody teenager phase and start acting like a dog that can, well, not act like the world is ending every time she sees another dog walking down the sidewalk.
Something to think about I suppose.
Love you boys,
Dad
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